Read: Part 4: My Experience with Disappointment and How I Overcame It. And if you have trouble quelling unhelpful, negative emotions, try distracting yourself with something fun or meditative. Copyright © 2020 Harvard Business School Publishing. Say you are at point A and you want to move to point B. “If you want to succeed and you worry you might fail, the gap between those realities creates motivation to take action,” says Art Markman, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin and author of Bring Your Brain to Work: Using Cognitive Science to Get a Job, Do it Well, and Advance Your Career. “Energy with direction is work, but energy without direction is heat, and it comes out as worry and anxiety.” So ask yourself if the negative emotions you’re feeling will actually compel you take further action that would help “stave off the negative outcome.”. Here’s their advice. “Sometimes the worry helps because it forces you to think about contingencies and how to be ready,” says Markman. As Markman says, “there’s no way to prepay your pain.” And reinforcing negative emotions can cause more pain in the leadup to and after the disappointment, explains Kinias. This alone time lets me sort out the thoughts in my mind, think without interference, and gain clarity on what to do in my situation. We can tap into that present moment through the act of meditation. You can be hopeful but you don’t want to be overconfident. This is not sustainable because your goals are just external outcomes, and these are impermanent. Sign up for my newsletter to get my personal development tips and updates sent directly to your inbox: Unsubscribe whenever you want. Ask yourself this question: What is your underlying desire driving your goal/expectation? Continue to have goals. Job interviews. They were already planning how to celebrate,” Kinias says, before the electoral college votes were counted. If however, you find you are unsettled, or resenting your child or the situation you are in, it may be time to look at things and make some changes. If you feel at peace, you are probably okay. Step 1: Recognition and awareness of the feelings of disappointment So when you’re worried about how devastated you might feel, remind yourself that that’s the cost of caring. But try to obtain a renewed sense of the other person’s perspective. This perception is not the truth — it is simply your lens with which you see the world. Distract Yourself. Be kind to yourself. When the outcome does not happen the way you envisioned, you become disappointed. Moving Forward 1. While you may feel disappointed, this experience is showing you that there is an error in your thinking. It can spur you to become better prepared — mitigating your anxiety in the long run. I know I’m not alone. There are many other ways to fulfill this desire. You see a career at Company A as your dream career. In part 1, I shared 3 reasons why disappointment is good. What should you do then? And then focus on doing the best you can. As long as you are doing that, there is no reason why you should feel bad, because you have done all that you can. The next step to deal with disappointment is to release yourself of your illusion of what reality should be. Check out my posts on breaking out of negativity: Dealing with disappointment is definitely not an easy task. You reach a new state of awareness, consciousness, and growth which you have never had before. Our text suggests several reasons for their discouragement, most of which revolve about the problem of a bad memory. Let them drive you forward. Much of this advice might fall into the category of “easier said than done,” especially when you’re staring at your ceiling in the middle of the night. Disappointment isn’t fun, but it’s a part of life. These are often times where my sleep suffers, and I spend the hours between 2:00 am and 4:00 am with dark thoughts about what the future might bring (not to mention all of the mistakes I’ve made along the way). Do you deal with disappointments with any of these methods? You may feel sorry for yourself and sulk. 2. "One way to cope with disappointment is by writing down our feelings," says Diana Raab, PhD, creativity expert and author of Healing with Words and Writing for Bliss. " If taking a stroll along your neighborhood makes you feel relax, then get out of your house and enjoy the breeze outside. In part 2, I talked about 3 destructive methods of dealing with disappointment which you should avoid. “If you consistently go after things, you set yourself up for success down the line,” Markman says. Dealing with disappointment requires you to let go of your mental illusions and expectations. Do whatever makes you feel better. We blame ourselves for everything that goes wrong. Stop doing that. However, that is just an illusion that you are playing in your head. It can be writing in your personal journal, walking in the park, watching a happy movie, playing games, or talking to positive friends. If we look at the relationship example in Step #2, you are disappointed because you want to be with person A. Perhaps you studied without understanding the subject. And remember to keep it in perspective. You are able to constructively channel into your inner desires to live the life you want. Worry can also compel you to gather resources – such as social support – to help you stay resilient if the worst-case scenario comes to fruition. One of my main coping mechanisms during these times of uncertainty is thinking through the potential disappointment. Disappointment and how to deal with it It is inevitable, at some point in everybody’s life you will hear “no” or let yourself down. Sometimes it doesn’t. “Being aware of a negative outcome can help you get your resources in a row, but you are still likely to have to go through a grieving process for anything that makes a tear in your life story,” says Markman. Pick up the pieces. i personally deal with disappointment by understanding why the second party made the choices that let me down. You have gained something which nobody else is privy to. If you don’t get the outcome you want, all of the effort you put in this time is setting yourself up for your next time at bat. Manage emotion 2. Being trapped in such a state prevents you from thinking logically. Or do you just end up wasting energy and causing yourself anxiety when you can’t know the outcome yet anyway? Are there any goals you haven’t accomplished? This makes negative experiences worse than they really are because we play them over and over in our heads — when they are simply natural occurrences in the universe. Don’t take it personally 3. If calming your mind doesn’t seem to be work, then immediately distract yourself from your disappointment. Sometimes, simply spending time alone may be the best way to clear your mental clutter and regain personal energy. Practice acceptance. You can’t prepay your pain. These illusions are giving you an inaccurate view of reality. Their wisdom and empathy can help us deal with disappointment in our own lives, as these 12 inspirational quotes can attest: Disappointment is the nurse of wisdom.” – Sir Bayle Roche. In times when I feel really down, I prefer to spend time by myself. How can an outcome be a setback if it gave you something to learn? This is part 3 of my 4-part series on how to deal with disappointment. In other words, just because you lose one round, doesn’t mean the fight isn’t worth fighting. Step 2: Attach yourself to your desire, not your goal. Given the convoluted nature of desire, there are no experiences that … Let’s look first at the causes for their disappointment—and in so doing we will discover something about our own personal struggles. A certain number of fantasies about what you would do if you reached your goal can be helpful,” says Markman. With this kind of disappointment — and even more serious ones — I suggest that there are five steps to follow: 1. Here, your perception that studying hard = automatically getting an ‘A’ is false. Not even entertaining the possibility of the negative outcome can be emotionally devastating. People 5 Major Work Disappointments and How to Handle Them Are you in the midst of a major work disappointment? Protect yourself Avoid the highly educated relative who might tell you “all things happen for a reason” or that you somehow attracted this disappointment with the wrong thoughts. Read my Privacy Policy. Haggai now speaks to the willing but discouraged workers. The Causes of Disappointment. However, understand that your goal is a reflection of an underlying desire. Any of these practices can help make you more resilient in the face of disappointment. You can't keep thinking that the... 3. Help a friend plan for a party or a meeting at work. A common example when people get attached to an external projection is in relationships. The best way to prevent the same situation—and resulting disappointment—is to make a plan of action. View the setback as an opportunity to grow and change. Perhaps you studied for the wrong chapters. I have the skills and experience to be up for consideration. If you did that, you’d rarely put yourself out there and try to reach your goals. We all have different expectations. What false perceptions am I clinging on to? You love the job scope, the benefits are great, and you have heard great things about the place. If anything, it’s natural for things to go wrong. I. Generally, a good “gut check” can help you determine if a boundary has been crossed. When you connect yourself with this desire, you will realize that point B is just one of the many destinations you can go. By Raghad Ebied We are all inevitably going to face moments of disappointment in our life : disappointments from work, family, friends, society, and even ourselves. Don’t lower your expectations; shorten your list of expectations. “In those moments when the outcome is utterly out of your control, the worry is only going to create heat,” Markman says. What am I expecting from reality that I’m not getting?” Seek out these illusions, one by one. You want to be with him/her, but person A does not reciprocate your feelings. There are also several research-backed ways that you can prepare yourself for a negative outcome. So don’t ignore your feelings of disappointment. That’s why Markman says some of the best tactics to steel yourself while you wait involve distracting yourself. Exercise. That’s why it’s hard for people to “just deal with it.” Acceptance doesn’t come first either. from there, you can respond and deal with it in a manner that allows the second party to understand that they have disappointed you. He suggests watching a silly movie that makes you laugh, practicing mindfulness by taking deep, focused breaths, or going for a run — anything he says, that will “decrease the energy.”. But we always focus on the few things that go wrong, rather than the things that go well. By attaching yourself to this thought, this illusion, it’s causing you anguish. As the opening quote says, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” With this lesson, you walk away from this experience a better person. The best remedy to deal with disappointment is to acknowledge and work through the emotion it evokes. One of the hardest things to do in a world where everything is immediate—we are all under external pressure, and time is a scarce resource—is to just let yourself experience a feeling.Even at the most difficulties times, such as grieving, on average we only allow ourselves 1 to 2 weeks off or work, and then we mostly expect to get back into normality again.Human beings are not very good at allowing the experiencing of emotions in full w… For example, if you’re waiting to hear about a new job, Kinias suggests you might tell yourself, “There will be other opportunities. Because the ability to learn, move on, and try again using a different approach is the key to success. Kinias points to self-affirmation techniques in which you reflect on your core values and how you carry them out, by being a good friend or participating in community service, that can “buffer resiliency in advance of disappointment.” She also suggests mindfulness practices where you focus on your breath: “breathing slowly and consciously, experiencing the inhale and exhale through simple guided mediation.” She explains that this helps “to release both negative emotion and attachment to sunk costs.” You can also reach out to people who share the same worry or who can provide help if and when you need it. Here are 13 things that can signify that you might need to break up, as it's never fun to deal with chronic disappointment from anyone, especially a partner you care deeply about. You had the belief that these actions would result in top results. By the natural order of things, there will always be a percentage of things that go well, a percentage of things that go “okay,” and a percentage of things that go terribly wrong. Your goal to work at Company A is merely an external projection of your inner desire to grow and challenge yourself to the fullest. In the last part, I will share my story on how I overcame a period of disappointment in my life. Talking with my friends, on the other hand, helps me learn other perspectives which I may not be aware of. So, obviously, to effectively deal with disappointment, one of the … Become aware of them and release them. As you start living past your disappointments, focus on living in alignment with your desires, instead of being fixated on your goals. Here are five ways to overcome chronic disappointment in relationships: 1. One of the first things that happen when disappointment comes is discouragement. Book proposals. Company A happens to have a policy of only accepting job applications from the same person every 2 years. The first thing you need to do is ask if worrying really helps. But this is an illusion. Step #2 to deal with disappointment is to focus on your underlying desire for your goal, not the goal itself. When you are disappointed, ask yourself: “What am I getting hung up over? Most people are inherently good. Definitely don’t wallow in misery. So how do you prepare yourself for what might be a large, perhaps even life-changing, disappointment? Let’s say you went for an interview with Company A. This is called “defensive pessimism.”, But if you’ve already done all that you can do to affect the outcome — perhaps the job interview is completed, you’ve made your case to a potential funder, or you’ve voted and made calls for your candidate — then agonizing doesn’t do you much good. However, you are passed over for another candidate whom they deem a better fit for the role. “The risk is when people are blindsided with overconfidence — as many Hillary Clinton supporters were in the 2016 presidential election. Eating you haven’t done perfectly? Do something nice for yourself. Soak them in with your senses. The best way to deal with feelings of disappointment is to acknowledge the pain and discomfort that you're feeling and give yourself time to heal and fully process your emotions. But instead of achieving that outcome, you fell short of your expectation. You might imagine what you’d wear to the first day of your new job, or think through who you’d call to share in the good news. Your experience has allowed you to gain new lessons, whether about yourself, the situation, or the world. Person A is just one of the many people in this world you can fall in love with. Instead, you may need to increase your input and/or change your approach to get the results you want. There is no reason to self-blame when things go wrong. Your belief that he/she is the one is an illusion you need to release yourself of. In part 1 on 3 Reasons Why Disappointment Is Good, I shared that one of the reasons why disappointment is good is because it represents an opportunity for growth. For me, I find that a combination of activities including alone time, talking with my good friends, and watching my favorite shows uplift me considerably. When you start doing that, you will find that you are able to live consciously and freely instead of subjecting yourself to external outcomes. 1. Because when you do that, you fall into the trap of associating your existence with them. For example, you like person A. You got dumped. Your disappointment is helping you move toward your goals, not away from your goals as you originally thought. If your anxiety motivates you to take action that can affect the outcome, then it might be useful. 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